Pat Robertson Returns From the Dead to Explain Trump's All-American State Fair Disaster | Satire

Editor's Note: Through what organizers described as "America's first anti-Christian séance," the late televangelist Pat Robertson agreed to return briefly to Earth. According to the séance organizers, Robertson accepted only because it would allow him to "escape the heat" for an hour.

Q: Reverend Robertson, thank you for joining us. First question: why did you agree to come back?

Robertson: Let's just say...air conditioning is a tremendous motivator. They said I'd only be gone for forty-five minutes. I asked if there would be ice water. They said yes. I was in before they finished the sentence.

Q: What, in your opinion, caused President Trump's All-American State Fair in Washington to become such a debacle?

Robertson: People think logistics matter. They don't.

The fair was doomed because of transgender athletes, Hunter Biden's laptop, Hillary Clinton's email server, Anthony Fauci, Joe Biden's ice cream consumption, electric vehicles, oat milk, and the fact that nobody says "golly" anymore.

Oh, and windmills. Never overlook windmills.

Q: Weather forecasters are predicting temperatures over 100 degrees with thunderstorms during President Trump's Fourth of July speech. Do you have a prophecy?

Robertson: Absolutely.

At precisely 6:58 p.m., the Lord will lower the temperature to a comfortable 72 degrees, move every rain cloud into Maryland, part the humidity like the Red Sea, and send a gentle breeze smelling faintly of funnel cake and freedom.

Q: And if that doesn't happen?

Robertson: Then the meteorologists interfered with God's plan.

You'd be amazed what Doppler radar can do these days.

Q: How large will the crowd be?

Robertson: Conservatively?

Several million.

Possibly eight million.

Maybe twelve.

The Lincoln Memorial will have to expand.

George Washington will lean forward just to get a better view.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station will report seeing patriotic lawn chairs from orbit.

Q: How will President Trump's speech compare with famous speeches in American history?

Robertson: Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave "I Have a Dream."

"I've Been to the Mountaintop" inspired generations.

Trump's speech will combine all three...plus a State of the Union...plus halftime at the Super Bowl...plus three episodes of The Apprentice.

History professors will reportedly cancel entire semesters because there will simply be nothing left to teach.

Q: You've made predictions before that...well...didn't quite happen. Has that changed your confidence level?

Robertson: Certainly.

I'm more confident than ever.

One day people will realize I wasn't wrong—I was simply operating in an alternative timeline that unfortunately never materialized.

It's a common prophetic problem.

Q: Finally, any message for America?

Robertson: Yes.

If my prediction turns out exactly opposite of reality, remember one important thing.

The problem wasn't the prophecy.

It was your insufficient faith, excessive fact-checking, and failure to appreciate that every failed prediction is merely a successful prediction waiting for revised circumstances.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my return trip leaves in three minutes. They tell me the thermostat is much less forgiving once I get back.

"As the séance concluded, witnesses reported hearing one final voice fading into the darkness: 'Next time...bring portable fans.'"